My new favorite song

Sweet As Whole
by Sara Bareilles

Sometimes I can be perfectly sweet
Got the sugary me all stuffed up in my sleeve
And I’ll talk of ponies and rainbows and things
And I’m just who you want me to be
Like most creatures down here on the ground
I’m composed of the elements moving around
And I grow and change and I shift and I switch
And it turns out I’m actually kind of a bitch
But that only happens when I get provoked
By some piece of shit asshole we all sadly know
And I sit and I write while reminding you all
That mean songs are still better than going postal

That guy’s an asshole
That girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
Then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

I see I surprised you with some of my words
And I know that surprises, while fine, still can hurt
And I hate to think that I've ruined the day
You’re the dick and the queen of the high horse parade
But I’m sick and tired of your poisonous ways
You’re a toxin wasting perfectly good space
And I say what I think ‘Cause it’s more economic than drugs or a drink

That guy’s an asshole
And that girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
And then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

And I won’t let him in
Under my skin
You're a sad sack of shit
It’s pathetic
Just a festering sore
That will never be more than that
If I don’t let him

That guy’s an asshole
That girl’s a bitch
Baby it’s natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me
Then let it go
Fuck that guy he’s just an asshole

Dating

I'm not a huge fan of the whole dating thing.  Probably because I'm a bit over a week away from being 34 and really have very little dating experience to speak of.

I find myself back in the position of having to date or end up alone for the rest of my life.  Lovely.

The last week or so I've been wondering if Coop isn't correct in the way he handles a break up.  He just jumps right back in and dates as much as he can for a while and gets it out of his system.  I've been thinking about trying this tactic on for size.  The only question is how do I make it happen?  I work a crap schedule where there are very few people to interact with.  I'm out of school for the next few months so I won't be meeting anyone there.  And even if that weren't the case I end up being closer in age to my professors, not my fellow students, and I also find I have more in common with my professors than I do with my fellow students.  (Maybe I just need another 24 year old for a minute.)

With all that in mind....  Do I go online for some dating assistance?  In the past, the very distant past, I had horrible luck with the online thing and discovered that it was just as fun to be e-dumped and e-rejected as it is to be real-life-dumped and real-life-rejected.  So, do I try it again or just hold out for meeting a man the very old fashioned, but much preferred, way??  I really want some opinions on this one.

My sister has had some luck with the online thing, but she's nicer and sweeter than I am.

All right.  Let me know what you think.

Also, I'm not against being set up, as long as it's a double date or a group thing.  No solo blind dating for this girl, thanks.

Also, talk to me before you start putting feelers out to people that you may think are perfect for me.  I'm still in the stage where I'm not sure if I'm ready but I'm feeling like I need to get out there.  So my reaction could be negative or positive depending on the day.

(Yeah, if you think all this is a bit much you should try living inside of my head for a while.)

Just blabbin' 'bout nothin'.

This is my favorite tasty new treat.  It's cheap and many make fun, but I like it.  A lot.  And I treated myself to some this morning after work because I'm feeling good about the grades I received for the semester and I'm feeling really good about going almost five days without a cigarette.  I'm so happy that quitting smoking has been easier this time around.  I quit in January for 12 days and was quite bitchy for the first week or so.  I calmed down to mildly bitchy by the second week.  And we just won't talk about the reason I started smoking again.  It makes me angry.

So, the semester is done and I don't go back to school until August 27.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next 4 months.  Sleep a lot, maybe.  Read, definitely.  Watch tons and tons of movies and T.V. shows on DVD.  And I do mean tons.  Netflix is my best friend.  I also need to finish the blanket that I'm knitting.  I don't know if 4 months will be enough time to get it done since it's apparently going to be huge, but if I keep working on it like I have been the last few days I should be able to get it finished and ready to use for next winter.

And of course I'll be working.  (I still can't believe I've been working for the same company for over 8 years.)  I'm really enjoying the site that I'm at now.  It's very low stress and I need that while I finish school.  Low stress levels are the key to me keeping my sanity.  Some people that I know have so much stress and drama in their lives I often wonder how they stay sane.  In their shoes I don't think that I'd be able to.  I've worked very hard over the years to keep my life drama free.  I don't know why everyone doesn't try to do the same.  In hind sight it's really not that difficult.  Just trim the fat and cut the crap.  Easy.  Some people just aren't worth the trouble so you let them fade out.  Oh well, I can't live everyone's lives for them.  They have to find their own way.  I just wish I could help them figure it out sooner.

What's that saying?  Lead by example?  If only that actually worked.  No one is paying any attention to my example and I think I have things pretty much figured out.

Yes, I think I'm perfect and everyone should be like me.  That's why I'm single.  Perfection is intimidating.

Moving on.....

I'm taking a week off soon.  I cannot wait!!!   My dear friend Serena is coming to visit and fun will be had.  Everything with Serena is fun.  I imagine that we'll stay up too late most days and have endless random Wal-Mart moments and laughing fits.  With some people it's just totally okay to be silly all the time.  Leave the seriousness of life for other people in other moments.

I know I started this intending to write something less trivial.  Guess that didn't work out.

The trouble with Moonlighting

Season 4 and season 5 suck!!

Season 1 was a bit awkward and they were still finding their feet.

Season 2 was good.

Season 3 was great.

Then the writers made the mistake of getting Maddie and David together.  Then splitting them up.  Then having her run away from him.  The she found out she was pregnant.  Then she married someone that wasn't David.  Then they got the marriage annulled.  The they apparently got together again.  Then they lost the baby.  (Which was sad.)  Then they ignored each other.

And that's the point I'm at right now in the series.  The whole of season 4 just made me want to scream.  And the first couple of episodes of season 5 aren't any better.  They're making me want to scream and punch something.  A lot.

And that, in a nut shell is the trouble with Moonlighting.  It started great and ended horribly.

I hope that doesn't happen with Castle.  I'll be pissed.

Clarification

I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

1.  I'm not all psychotic over my break up.  It's been a bit over 2 months and most of the boohooing and feeling horrible as hell is past.  I'm mostly just pissed off now.  A lot.

2.  One thing that helps me get emotion out and get over things is to write them out and I've decided to use my blog for this purpose at this moment in my life.

3.  I've been pretty silent about this whole thing since it happened.  After this past weekend I don't really care much who knows what happened and how it has been affecting me.  I don't care if my ex sees this and it upsets him, which it most likely won't.  And I don't really care what friends of ours find out what happened between us, because right now all they have is a bunch of question marks because I haven't really talked about it and I know he hasn't.

That's pretty much it.  I just want to make sure that everyone understands that I'm not beating myself up, blaming myself, acting like some psychotic hose beast, going to hurt myself or anyone else, or going to end up in an institution.  I'm just not going to not talk about it, or not write about it, if I feel like there's something that I need to get out.

Being an EX is not for me.

After the last few days I'm convinced that I cannot handle being an ex-girlfriend.  I'm used to being an ex-wife but that's been almost 11 years.  Being an ex-girlfriend is still really new and I had no part in making that decision.  Being an ex was forced on me by the man I am now an ex from.  I don't think I make a very good ex.  I pretty much bombarded him with texts and e-mails this last weekend.  I want him back.  This is not a bad thing in my world.  Apparently it is in his.  I was denied.  Again.  It still makes no sense to me.  I don't know what went wrong.  I don't know why he doesn't love me anymore and felt the need to remove himself from my life.  I don't understand this.  And I told him so.  All he said was his decision has been made.  I knew it, I wasn't really hopeful, but I had to try.  Now that I actually have my emotions mostly under control and my brain back in my head I had to make my argument.  I had to present my case.  The judge ruled against me.  I am still an ex-girlfriend.

And instead of being a grown-up about the whole thing, like I have been (mostly) for the last two months, I decided to very nearly turn into a crazy ex.  I blew up his phone with text messages.  He ignored me.  He is really good at ignoring me and not talking to me.  I'm pretty sure he pretends I don't exist.  (Which will be fun when we see each other at a social gathering and he is reminded that I actually do exist.)

Most of the time lately I actually feel almost like my old self, but some days I can still barely manage the thought of crawling out of bed and going to school or work.  Starting late Friday night, and still running, I;ve been having a really hard time with being an ex and alone.  I don't have a good reason for it.  Maybe it's because his birthday is in 6 days.  Maybe it's because this past weekend marked 8 weeks since he broke up with me.  Maybe it's because he was somewhere that I previously would have been, too.  Maybe it was the emotional roller coaster episodes in season 4 of Moonlighting.  I don't know.  But I've been having a really hard few days.

Here's what I learned from the experience:
1.  I am not cut out to be an ex.  I am a good relationship girl.  I'm a good ex-wife and I'm good as a single independent woman.  I am not good at being an ex-girlfriend all heart broken and emotional.  It's not for me.  Next relationship I have better be the one for the long haul or I'm never having one again.
2.  I really need to learn to follow my own advice and not send messages to my ex that will only make me feel worse in the end.  What happened to selfish Stephanie that only wanted what was good for herself?  Since when is doing something that I know will make me feel worse something that I'm totally on board with doing?  So, I need to do what I tell everyone else to do; leave him alone and don't send him emails and text messages.  He doesn't want to hear from me.  He won't change his mind.  Don't do it!!

How was your weekend?  (Does anyone even read this blog anymore?)

On a better note, I saw The Hunger Games last night.  Some parts were a let down on the big screen compared to what I had pictured in my mind.  However, I can separate the book from the movie and I left thinking it was an excellent movie and I can't wait for them to make a second one.

I'm also nearly done with the school semester.  I only have three weeks left.  I cannot wait until I can spend all my time sleeping.  Maybe this summer I'll try to get around to dating.  I may have to resort to internet dating.  Maybe I'll enter a convent and become a nun.  Maybe I just won't think about either because it still hurts to even recognize that I'm single again.

I finished my homework hours ago.  I have to be up in 4 1/2 hours for school.  I need to go to bed now.

You Really Got a Hold on Me

You Really Got a Hold on Me as sung by Zooey Deschanel = Awesome!!

I don't like you but I love you

Seems that I'm always thinking of you
Oh, you treat me badly
I love you madly
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
Said you really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)


I don't want you but I need you
Don't want to kiss you but I need to
Oh, you do me wrong, now
My love is strong, now
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
Said you really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)


I love you and all I want you to do is just
Hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me


I want to leave you, don't want to stay here
I don't want to spend another day here
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you do me wrong, now
My love is strong, now
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
I said you really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)


I love you and all I want you to do is just
Hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me


Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me

Goodbye 2011

This year has been a big one.  Huge really.  I'm saying goodbye to one of the best years I've had in my 33 years.  I'm not saying bad stuff hasn't happened, because it has, especially recently, but it's a year that will forever be in my mind as one of the best.  Quite possibly the best.  Let us recap....

January wasn't that big a deal.  I started my last semester at Salt Lake Community College.

February really held no appeal.

March really wasn't exciting.

April was a little bit exciting.  I started working at my current site 5 days a week, I was working there only 3 days a week and working somewhere else the other 2.  This change was good and bad.  I am working what is quite possibly the worst shift I've ever had in my life, but I'm making enough that I was able to get out of the house my parents owned and become completely independent for the first time in my life.

May.  Now May was pretty darn exciting.  The first week in May I turned 33, finished my last semester at SLCC, and graduated from SLCC with my Associate of Art in English.  I'm a college graduate.  Sort of.  I still need to get my Bachelor's degree.  Oh, I just realized something, one of those months previous to this one I was accepted into Weber State University.  That was pretty cool.

June was fairly mild.  I went to Wendover for work.  That was pretty cool.  And pretty much right after I got back I started dating Shaun.  That was momentous for a couple of reasons.  1) I'd been chasing after him off and on for two years.  2)  I haven't really dated anyone for more than one date since I got divorced in 2001.  It was the end of a decade of being entirely single.

July.  This one is a little bit huge.  I bought my own house.  Yes, that's right, I BOUGHT MY OWN HOUSE!  It's small and old and all mine!!  It's cute.  I kind of love it.  :)

August saw me start at Weber State University.  I like going there more than I liked going to SLCC.  I LOVE that they don't take roll and that no part of my grade is dependent on attendance.  I feel all grown up!

September was pretty boring.  The only exception being that I was still dating Shaun.  Oh, Tony and Tina got married.  That was fun.  We also learned that night that Gracie's in Salt Lake is over priced and I swear they water down their booze.

October had the Halloween party at Tony's.  I don't remember much of it.  I suppose that means I had a pretty good time.  And I was kissed by Jack Skellington.  I'm the only one of my friends that I know of that can make that claim.

November.  Oy, November.  Of course we had Thanksgiving which was way toned down this year.  Before and after the holiday my dad had fun though.  Dad had a full shoulder replacement.  It got infected.  They went back in and removed the implant, scraped out the infection that had been eating away bone and ruined his rotator cuff, pumped him full of antibiotics and put a cement spacer in place until they go back in in a few months and put in a new, and better, implant.  If you thought that was fun we're not done yet......

December.  And I'm really happy that this one is nearly over.  About 9 days before Christmas I was at lunch with a couple of the ladies from book club.  While there my sister called.  Strange, she usually texts.  Shortly after that she did text me and told me that my dad was in the hospital again with a blood clot in his lung.  I hauled ass to the hospital and found out that they hadn't officially diagnosed him and couldn't until after x-rays and a CT scan.  I found out that he'd been having trouble breathing and my mom finally nagged him enough to get him to the ER.  Good thing, too, because he probably would have died otherwise.  And that would have devastated me.  After everything he was officially diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.  Which is a fancy way to say that he had a blood clot in his lung.  That was on a Friday.  The following Tuesday he was released from the hospital.  He's still on all kinds of blood thinners and antibiotics for everything but he's doing really well and improving almost daily.  We're all happy that he's doing well and that he's still around!  Christmas was good, and bad.  John's been in town and has been a great support to my dad since he got home.  John was able to spend more time at the hospital than the rest of us because we all had to work.  My family had to work around crazy work schedules so we didn't have our Christmas until the 26th.  It was mostly good.  We did have some family drama to deal with, the kind that I will not be posting details about since it is still very much and active subject.  Though I'm doing what I can to speed along a resolution.

And that is a brief account of my entire year.  I'm still seeing Shaun, which pleases me greatly, and I like my house more and more as time goes by.  The house has been the best purchase I've ever made.

I don't see any way possible for 2012 to beat the pants off of this year but I have to say.....   BRING IT ON!!

Dickhead

There have been a lot of instances of "stupid men" behavior going around lately.  I currently do not suffer from dealing with that behavior but relatives and friends have been.  In a show of sympathy to those women I give you "Dickhead" by Kate Nash.  It's pretty much awesome.  Even more awesome when you hear the song.  It's catchy!  :)

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations

Shiny floor, slippery feet
Lights are dim, my eyes can't meet
The reflection that turns my images
Upside down so I can't see

Think you know everything
You really don't know nothing
I wish that you were more intelligent
So you could see that what you are doing
Is so shitty, to me

Thirty five
People couldn't count
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for

Stop being a dickhead,
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead,
Why you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations

Stop, now don't show
Just have a think before you
Will you, stop, now don't show
Just have a think before you

Will you stop, no don't show
Just have a think before you
Will you stop, don't show
Will you just have a think before you

My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take with this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore, so

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations

SLCC Graduation

May 5, 2011 – Not just cinco de mayo anymore.

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve never had a graduation before, from anything, so this was a big effing deal for me. I invited my closest friends and family. I think I ended up inviting around 30 people. Big deal.

The afternoon started with food at Olive Garden. (I got my regular, fettuccini alfredo.) As is tradition in the Knighton clan it is the family and a few of our friends. Mom and Dad, Melanie, John, and Jared were present. It’s rare that all six of us are in the same place at the same time. I invited Amber, Roxanne, and Serena to the lunch. North Dakota is far away so Serena was unable to attend. We had a nice meal and were able to visit some. I had to leave early because I was recquired to arrive at by 5:45 to get ready for graduation.

While my family and friends were able to take their time finding parking and seats I was in the depths of the Maverik Center standing in a line waiting. And waiting. And waiting. It was really boring. I started to chat up a few of my fellow graduates. Mundane conversation really. It helped pass the time. I updated facebook and posted a picture of me standing in the hall waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

While in the hall Clint Gardner was taking Andrea Malouf over to see a student. I yelled at Andera, quite possibly my favorite instructor ever, and went over to say hello. She was genuinely pleased to see me and told me congratulations and that she was happy to see me there. We chatted a bit about the semester then she and Clint had to go back and line up with the faculty. She made a joke about being herded because they can’t keep the faculty in line. Awesome! We said our see you laters and they headed off to where they were needed.

Some back story:

I had taken two classes from Andrea. One was just pretty much a fun time, Intro to Creative Non-Fiction, and one was the most difficult class I’ve had, Intro to Critical Theory. She is an incredible teacher and is always willing to talk to you and work with you. She had to deal with me through schedule and site changes for work. And she did it with a smile on her face. She’s personable and funny and I wish all my instructors were as awesome as she.

Clint was a crush of mine back in the early days of my college career. I took Intro to Shakespeare from him and had a bit of a crush while taking that class. He was a good teacher and taught Shakespeare well. I have always remembered him, though I’m fairly certain he doesn’t remember me. He is also the advisor to the SLCC chapter of the Phi Theta Kappa, of which I am a member.

Back to Graduation:

Also while I was down in the pits of the center I received a picture message from Danielle and Erika. It was them in their seats smiling. They said they were excited and happy for me. Awesome!
After a little bit we started moving to head out and be seated. I was lucky enough to be toward the front of the procession. It wasn’t long until I was finally able to sit down.
As the instructors filed to their seats I was able to say another hello to Andrea. It was really good to see her.

The actual ceremony was pretty much as you would expect. Long and fairly boring. Morgan Spurlock of “Super Size Me” fame was our keynote speaker. He’s a pretty funny guy. Everything else was as expected for that kind of an event.
Finally it was time for the walk. My moment. I took my faux diploma and started walking across the stage. As I reached the top of the stairs to head back down to my seat they announced my name. I heard yells from way off in the distance, my friends and family, and much closer I hear clapping a few hollars. I looked to my left where they came from and there were Andrea and Clint clapping for all they were worth. For me. I don’t know what it is about that moment but it feel s good when your educators are as excited about your graduation as you are. I loved that moment.

I arrived back at my seat and realized that we had a long while to go before we would be finished with the event and able to unite with our friends and our families. Welcome to the graduation of tomorrow…. I pulled out my phone, turned it back on, and started texting my friends while I waited. I text Matt and Tony mostly. I was a bit surprised and really happy to find that Matt was able to make it down to support me.

The ceremony finished and we were all ushered out, pretty much straight outside, where we could see those we invited. As I walked to the front of the center I saw Matt, Suni, Brenda, Mikey, and Jodi standing there. I went and said hello and visited. They all hugged me and told me congratulations, cause they’re awesome. I fielded phone calls and we met up with Tony, Tina, Shaun, Carl and Jared. I had to go meet up with my family and take some pictures and Matt had to go home. (Stupid jobs keeping us from hanging out with our friends!) I made plans to meet up with the rest of my friends at Denny’s for food then headed inside for pictures.
Roxanne, her kids, Teri and Max had to leave before I could see them. Sad. Danielle and Erika also headed home before I was able to see them because they had work in the morning. (Again with the jobs!) Aside from them I was able to see everyone that was able to make it.

After the pictures with my family I said my goodbyes and headed to Denny’s. My friends are awesome! I love spending time with them! We visited for quite a while then everyone had to go their separate ways.
All in all it was a glorious day and I don’t think I ever want to do it again!

Thanks again to everyone that came to support me! Those that were unable to make it – you were missed.

I’m a college graduate!!!